Home Interior

I actually looked at my first Home Interior catalog today. They have some very nice things for some very obscene prices. I thought I would get my sister a Thomas Kincade painting in a nice looking frame for her new house. But, after seeing the prices, I have decided to break out the old “Big Chief” tablet and hone my coloring skills. I am leaning toward a picture of a race car or something from my dinosaur collection.

The dinner!

I went to my cousins house for Thanksgiving dinner today. It was soooo good! They had some ham, turkey, sweet taters, smashed taters, tater salad, pea salad, dressing, baked beans, some ham rolls, hot rolls, pumpkin roll, cupcakes, peanut butter pie, and some kinda chocolate dessert. I ate until my belly button popped out! Hee hee! And I had my timing just right today. I got there about 15mins before everyone was ready to eat and I left before the tensions between the crazies got too high. Yep, I finally got these people figured out. And it only took me 32 years to do it. Oh, and I didn’t get my picture taken once. Sweet huh?

Reason for thanks!

I have some good things in my life to be thankful for.
1. My immediate family is getting along again
2. I have made some new friends this year that I can honestly say “inspire me”
3. I have gotten back in touch with some of my best friends from years ago
4. I was able to feel something again that I thought had died in my heart--LOVE
5. I have found a nice place to get things off of my chest without having to offend anyone

Old School Parenting!

Do you ever wonder why some children are cute and precious, And some appear to be the spawn of Satan? No? Well then, maybe it’s just me. There is just a little piece of me that dies inside when I see a 6yr old screaming at their mother as if she were a servant, only to have the mother say “if you’ll be good I’ll buy you a toy”. I mean, come on. I remember trying that crap when I was a kid and getting the neck pinch from hell and hearing my mother’s voice turn into that of a demon saying “ONE MORE WORD and I’ll beat you to death and tell god you died”. Now that’s parenting. LOL! All my dad ever had to do was raise that one eyebrow and call me by my middle name. Sheesh! A little pee came out just thinking about that one. I don’t know where I was going with this, but I just got the overwhelming desire to go clean my room.

My Death Row menu!

If I were on death row about to be executed I would want my last meal to be Steak fingers, mashed potatoes, white gravy, and macaroni and cheese. I would take that meal over any other type of food in the entire world. Oh, and a big glass of sweet tea to wash it all down. Mmm! I would also like the antidote to whatever poison that was about to be injected into me. Seriously, if they give you the option don’t waste an opportunity to save yourself.

The Downside of My life!

Sometimes I feel more alone in a crowded room than I do when I sit by myself listening to music. There is something about music that soothes the soul. It can take you back to a time when you may have been hurting but you now know that the pain you endured was what made you the person you are today. Be that, good or bad. I have made many acquaintances in my life, but only a handful of people whom I truly consider to be my friends. I know that little insignificant choices that I have made in the past have altered my present. I often wonder, if I could go back and change one thing in my life what would it be? Maybe I would repair a relationship with a former love, or take things more seriously so that I could have achieved more in life by now, perhaps I could have exercised and eaten a proper diet. No, because those were my mistakes and I made them happen. It could be that I have a self-destructive nature, any time things seem to be going my way I find a way to stop the progress and regress back to a lower point than I started from. A lot of people feel bad because they don’t have the skills to do anything better with their lives. But, the worst feeling in the world is to know that you were given the skills and yet you still chose to squander them.

Pumpkin Cheesecake

I just read about a pumpkin cheesecake that could be a nice project for me to offer to pay my sister to make for me. Hee hee! Mmm...Cheesecake! I would just make it myself, but I don't have a spring pan, or the ability to let any cheesecake sit in a refrigerator for 4 hrs. untouched. No one liked the last one I tried to make in a 13x9 inch pan, I may have used too much muenster though. Who knows?

Oh hell to the yes!

It’s finally here, the weekend. I’d like to thank baby Jebus for this end to another long ass week. I am going to go out and do something, I’m not sure what, but something none the less. A friend is supposed to be opening up a sports bar and grill, so I may have to go and check out the new place tonight or tomorrow night. I’m lucky enough to have a another friend who is heartbroken from his last girlfriend so that gives me a running buddy for the weekend. Yep, a depressed, whiney, crying about the ugly girl who left him running buddy. I must have stomped a puppy in another life or something for this kind of punishment. Oh well, it's still better than working.

Games to pass the time.

I have become very good at controlling the emotions and the thoughts of the people that surround me daily. Not out of malice, but out of sheer boredom. I have found that if you let someone open up to you, they will. The trick is to be a good listener, and always let them think that they are in control of what they are doing. The ego is a dangerous flaw in most people. You can take the information learned in an earlier confidence and use it to shape the outcome of future events. For example--Someone tells you about how much they disliked someone years ago, so now when they are talking about dating someone new, all you have to do is say “didn’t he/she used to date so and so?” and leave it at that. The seed has now been planted. They in turn can no longer think of one person without the thought of the other one. I realize that this is kind of wrong, but at least it makes the day pass by quicker. I wish that I could say I came up with this all by myself, but instead I have learned it by watching old people guilt young people into doing what they want for years. The older a person gets, the more conniving they become. You do have to be careful about who you try this kind of game on though. Some people have emotional problems that aren’t really visible on the surface, but once you get inside it’s like a freaking house of cards. You have to plan your moves carefully, as not to bring down the main structure. Otherwise, you spend your day comforting them rather than watching the ball that you have set in motion. There is one rule--You cannot do this to someone smarter than yourself, so know your own limits.

Today was a good day!

Today has been a great day! Short of being awakened by a Victoria’s Secret model suffering from nymphomania and holding this weeks winning Lotto ticket, I have to say it was almost like a dream. I know I was awake though, because I was still working. And I have this one rule in my dreams that I can’t be at work, not to say that I’m unemployed in my dreams, because then I would have to dream up a resume and food stamps. And let’s face it I have better dreams than that! I am usually independently wealthy from the sale of drugs or guns, and either I have a big green land squid in my backyard or I have got to stop licking the stickers at Wal-Mart. They never taste like a smiley face anyways. They taste like a homeless person's hands. Not that I've ever licked the digits of a hobo, nor would I try. Most of them won't let go of their damned carts long enough. Fuckin' greedy dry fingered bastards!

Still going!!!

OH DEAR SWEET JEBUS!!! Is this day ever going to end? I don't think that tomorrow could ever hope to make up for this sad excuse for a day. If it weren't for a handful of funny texts sent to me by my best friend I think that this town would be short at least 3 of its residents. Ok, not really, but I might have said something very sharp and hurtful to them. And as you may know--words hurt! Especially for people who don't know what they mean.

Fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

I am having such a wonderful day that I had to put it in a blog. I think I need a vacation from work. If I have to deal with these people much longer I may just have to grab up a wet noodle and run a muck. These people are in serious need of some kind of "bitch slap" or something of that nature. I don't think I am really meeting the requirements to live amongst these folks. I believe that there is some level of dumbfuckery that is beyond my grasp. If you ever find out you have a week to live, then get a job with the public, because then everyday will seem like an eternity!

Puddin'

Pumpkin--I like that word. It just kinda rolls off the tongue, wouldn’t you say? Puddin’ is another favorite of mine. A friend of mine was going through a rough time in the dating world, and he asked me how I stayed so happy. I told him it was because I love eatin’ puddin’. It was at that moment that the girl who works with us came in to say hi, to which I responded “morning puddin’”. I’m pretty sure he swallowed his gum. LOL!

Warning!!!

Just for the record, no matter how long you microwave it, a cup of candy corn will not pop. It will in fact burn the taste out of your mouth though. Jeez! Effin Candy Corn!

Pool!

I love pool! This has to be the greatest game ever created. It’s one of those games that anyone can play but only a few ever master. Myself, I have mad skills with a pool cue in hand. I have played a lot of people that think that they are better than they really are. And the drunker a person gets doesn’t give them the “hustler” skills that they think it does. I have been playing since I was a kid, and only recently have I reached the point that I feel cocky about my game. I haven’t had the opportunity to play many high quality players in the places that I frequent though. So, I may be delusional about my own skills…NOT! LOL! I don’t play for money, not because I am afraid of losing, but because of the fact that most people get nervous and I want to see their best game when I am playing them. If you can beat me playing your best then good for you. I wouldn’t be mad if I lost to someone, but I would be mad if I won because they were holding back. I love it when the music is loud and I am on my game, it’s at that point that I can have everyone in the place watching me play and not have a care in the world. I do have a weakness for the guy who heckles your game and can be heard in the background saying things like “that’s just luck” or “I could beat that guy”. It’s these guys that I love to breakout the “A” game on. And I also like to talk shit the entire game about how lucky I would be to make this shot, and that shot, and I really thought you would have been more of a challenge. That, and numerous smiles and winks at their girls, no matter how fugly they are, seems to keep them from talking the rest of the night. HEE HEE!

I'm still smiling!!!

I made a promise to my nieces that I would come to at least one football game this season to watch them perform with the color guard. Last week I was informed that they had one game left this season, so I had to attend. Let me point out the fact that there is nothing in this universe that could ever stop me from keeping a promise that I had made to either one of these girls. So, I went to the game tonight. And, I got to see, the result of an entire season of practice and determination to be the best, in action. I was so proud of them that I sat there in the stands with my chest all swollen out telling everyone within ear shot that the two pretty ones were my nieces. Damned right! I couldn’t love those two any more if they were my own children.

I was there for both of their births. I was there when the little one had to have open heart surgery before she turned 2. I have jumped out of the way of a battery operated Barbie Jeep gone wild when they were toddlers. I have seen numerous concerts and ceremonies in which they were so kind as to invite me to. Sadly, I was the one who had to come to their house the night that their daddy got killed and I wasn’t able to make anything better, all I could do was hold them. And as is commonplace when a family loses a main component, the machine broke down. Over the next year the family had pretty much split into different parts that hated the other sides. All I know is that it was keeping everyone away from two girls who had just lost their father. It was at this point that I stepped in and had a talk with the entire family, minus the girls, I informed them that all of the fighting and bickering was over from this point on. I may have also added something about the fact that I would see that everyone of them was in a nursing home before they hit 70. HEE HEE! What? It worked! This last fourth of July was one of the best ones in years.

Those nasty bastards!!!

I’d like to take this opportunity to commend the good people of eastern Oklahoma for their efforts to conserve water due to the droughts in the other states. But, I’d also like to point out the fact that if I get to smell one more sweaty, urine soaked piece of trailer trash, I will have to either quit working with the public or start doing a daily rain dance to bring forth the water needed to wash the taint from these nasty bastards. I know that money is tight and that people are often too proud to ask for assistance with their finances, but please, if you aren’t gonna bathe then don’t stand so close to the people who do. I walked around for about an hour trying to unleash the pure stank that had infiltrated my clothes and hair after one of said “nasty bastards” had come to me for parts. I have always prided myself on the fact that I have a strong stomach, but I honestly think that a little bit of puke came up on that one. And just for the record if you want to make small talk in a parts store, you really don’t need to ask for something so obscure that the person who is waiting on you will have to get pricing from an outside source. That is not small talk, that is work. Not nearly as enjoyable as a good round of small talk.

I also found myself to be a bit of a smart ass today (no, really). I was talking with a friend when he asked if it was going to rain today, to which I responded by licking my finger and holding it up as though to predict the onslaught of precipitation. I was told to go to hell at that point, which I didn’t really care, because I had amused myself and was laughing aloud at the look of distain on his face. HEE HEE! (still funny)

I wonder, if I threw a glass of peroxide on one of the “nasty bastards” do you think that they would fizz? I may have to try that if I ever want to try a new line of work.

Happy Halloween!!!

Happy Halloween!!! I love this holiday, not only for the candy and spooky stuff, but also for the number of single mothers that like to dress up and take their children to the local stores to Trick or Treat. Sweet Jebus! There is just something about a woman in animal print that makes me go all primal. And god bless the people who measure the length of those costumes. If you are a mother dressed in a short or otherwise revealing costume count on your child getting more candy than any other child. I know it’s not right but it’s the truth. And if you have a child over the age of 10 and they still like to trick or treat, buy them the damned candy at the store because they ain’t getting jack when they are competing with a 3 year old dressed like a bear. Now that’s cute stuff right there! Well, I’ve got a bowl of candy (and I get the good stuff) and my trucks are hidden off the road from the vandals that like to egg everything, so I’m set up for the night. It’s scary movie time!!!

power of the poop machine

I have always been told by friends that I can often have an intimidating look about me. But the other night at the local Wal-mart store I was in a rather pissy mood and I know that this is from all of the dumb fucks that I was surrounded by. So, I must’ve had an exceptionally mean look on my face, yet while waiting to check out, the baby of the people in front of me started looking at me over the dads shoulder and gave me the cutest little smile. This in turn changed my whole Kill ‘em all thought process into a 5 min. game of peek-a-boo (of which there are no losers). Odd how a small smile from a little poop machine can make you forget your problems.

An introduction of sorts.

Hello, I am Jerry aka Normie. I sell auto parts at a store in a small southern town, so as you may have guessed I have little-to-no drive. But, what I do have is an overwhelming need to vent and tell the ramblings of my mind. Sometimes they are funny, but on occasion I have been known to get a little bit sentimental and mushy. OH, come on, it happens...don't judge me! Jeez! You think that I would get a break being my first blog and all. But, seriously, I hope that anything I write on here doesn't get taken to heart by anyone who may be easily offended by the words of a madman. And if it does, Oh well, I still thought it was funny or thought provoking or it wouldn't have been posted. That being said--GAME ON!